How To Help Children Through Divorce

 

How To Help Children Through Divorce

Divorce can affect a child who may experience very strong feelings that they may not be able to manage. But how to help the child overcome their parents' divorce?

Divorce nowadays is an increasingly common situation among families. Although a divorce is preferable to an unstructured and constantly conflicting family environment, this change in the system still affects the child who at this stage may experience very strong feelings and may not be able to manage a sound emotional balance owing to the situation.

In this article, we are going to discuss this essential aspect of taking care of your child during a divorce. This advice comes straight from the team of Spunt Carin, who are some of the best divorce lawyers in Montreal.

Children and Divorce

Divorce affects the family in different ways, and for children, it is always a new, unknown reality, full of uncertainties and fears.

Questions arise such as:

●     Why don't we all live together now?

●     What did I do wrong?

●     Is this my fault?

●     Don’t they like me anymore?

Listening to these questions and thinking about how to answer them is a concern for many parents, and that is completely natural. Quite often, they have not yet assimilated the emotions they are feeling and need to mourn a life project that will have to be abandoned and, at the same time, make practical decisions regarding the daily lives of their children.

Amid all this emotional turmoil, the main concern of any parent is to minimize the impact of their divorce on their children. Therefore, it is important to first ensure that a child can maintain a close relationship of affection with both parents after the divorce. It seems impossible, but it is not, just as long as the parents want it and are willing to act accordingly.

The child must be informed of the changes that will occur in their day-to-day schedule, such as who will take them to and pick them up from school, where and with whom they will spend the weekend and so on.

The greater the tranquility and certainty of the parents regarding these changes, the easier it will also be for the children to accept them. The child cannot feel that they will have to ally themselves with one of the parents with the immediate consequence of turning them against the other parent.

The behavioral changes in the children after the parents' divorce are normal and it is necessary to be attentive and notify the school of this change so that the teachers are also vigilant. This fragile moment to which children are exposed can lead parents to treat them as another friend, sharing with them uncomfortable feelings and situations, something that you should always avoid.

Taking into account everything that has been listed so far, it is also understandable that it is important to take into account the age of the children.

Up to 3 years old children do not understand what is going on between the father and the mother, despite being able to copy their anxiety. With divorce at this age, it is important to bear in mind that children need the presence of both parents and that it is necessary to encourage the sharing of moments of affection such as bathing, eating and walking, so that the child can make new friends.

From 3 to 7 years of age, their ability to understand increases exponentially. Some children can start having stomach aches and headaches, show regressive behavior and throw tantrums very often. It is necessary to keep in mind that somatization is the way that children focus their attention on themselves, showing adults that something is not right.

The role of parents is to reassure them that they will always be with them, that they are loved and that they are part of their new lives. At these ages, it is necessary to pay extra attention to the appearance of “loyalties” to one or the other parent, and parents should facilitate communications with the absent parent to minimize their children’s anxiety and to assure them that being with one parent does not imply not communicating with the other.

From the age of 7 until adolescence, children often express anger and resistance against divorce. Sometimes, they tend to ally themselves with one parent to the detriment of the other. These alliances are established only for the child's benefit, to escape the more rigid rules of behavior of a parent. Not only should this behavior be discouraged but the ‘favored’ parent should also ensure that there is no enmity among everyone involved.

From the age of 14 and above, friends begin to dominate the lives of children and parents are no longer their main focus. If there is no solid basis for sharing and coexistence, parents can quickly lose contact and affection with their children if either of them doesn’t put in extra efforts to stay in touch.

What Goes Through a Child’s Mind During a Divorce?

On the one hand, there may be fear about the future, about what will change and what the relationship with the father and mother will be like thereafter.

On the other hand, ambiguous feelings may begin to emerge, motivated (for example) by the “extra” affection that at this time may arise from one or both parents towards the child, although at the same time the child may experience a kind of guilt feeling attributing for you the responsibility for separation.

How to Deal with The Feelings of Guilt and Negative Emotions in The Child

Divorce being, in most cases, a situation that favors the appearance of a great emotional burden, this process of untying and the new restructuring of a family system can lead to the child presenting some symptoms that are typically linked to depressive conditions.

Among the symptoms are crying, fears, aggression, anxiety and low self-esteem, which can manifest themselves in areas such as school and peers through, for example, isolation or low school performance.

It is important that at this stage parents are attentive and analyze whether this symptom is transient and if not, seek professional help for the child to overcome the divorce.

According to several child lawyers in Montreal, parents also need to learn to manage their own emotions and attitudes in front of their children. Both parental figures must also ensure that all emotions that are typical of an emotionally delicate situation should be suppressed.

It’s important to understand that the child also suffers equally, if not more, and needs mental stability. Therefore, both this phase of transition and the future that is approaching must be faced with the hope that better days will come and not as a “nightmare” that is getting closer and closer.

The child's notion about these possibilities is very much up to the parents, who must manage this process as smoothly as possible, avoiding the degeneration of conflicts, often allowing themselves to be carried away more by emotions than by reason.

Don’t Play with Your Child’s Emotions

For the sake of your child’s mental health, you should always make sure that they can never be used as a "throwing weapon" between the couple, a situation that is unfortunately found in many separations.

As adults, it’s your responsibility to minimize the impact of divorce on your child’s mental health. After all, it’s none of their fault and you, as a responsible parent, will always wish the best for your children's present and future.